I am bipolar. I take Seroquel to help me sleep tho it does not always work. I’m up to 4..5..6.AM before I get to sleep a times. I do drink a lot of Diet Coke as I get alot of dry mouth from all the meds I have to take each day.. Can’t live w/o it it seems. When I try to give it up I am lethargic. I also take Cymbalta and Lamictal. My family never really understood my condition and we are now estranged. I made a bad joke and alienated my best friend. Haven’t heard from him inabout a month.I’m sure his new girlfriend is behind it. I aplogized via email and fax but no reply. What’s the first thing I think about? Suicide.Every time something goes badly that’s the first place my mind goes. I think it crosses my mind most days. I had planned what I was going to do on a trip last May but was talked out of it. But, I’m back to planning again.
My psychologist asked me if I wanted to go into the hospital….and I answered with “If I wanted to kill myself, why would I want to tell you or go to the hospital? If I want to do it, why would I try to stop myself? I’ve tried 3 times, the last in 1977. But I still think about it. I don’t think I’ll try drugs again as I can be saved from that. Obviously.
I gave myself reasons not to go…I have to clean my house up before I go as it would be embarrassing for police to come in…but then I thought if I was dead I wouldn’t care. Now it’s because I have a dog. I love my dog…but my friend would care for him. I stayed for my Mom but she died 8-06.
So now it’s…where can I get a gun? Steal my friend’s..no he’d know it was me. Am I brave enough to go into where drugs are sold and ask them to get one for me? My brother shot himself in the head Dec.30, 2006. His wife wouldn’t send me a gun…he had many.. Obviously I can’t legally get one as I was honest in answering the question about being in the hospital. For my busness, I have 2 rented storage units. Unfortunatly I cannot get my car into then as there has been carpentry work done for my business. So, I’m thinking of renting another for just a month. Park the car and let the motor run. I also think about getting a hunting knife and falling on that. Then there’s the stoplights when a truck is coming….but I don’t want anyone else to be hurt…and the railroad crossings. What’s a woman to do???
I’ve even been thinking of jumping off a bridge or driving off a cliff. Maybe the drugs keep me from acting on it. But I can always stop taking then for a bit and really get into the mood. Oh..and how could I forget the bathroom scene cutting my wrists? I’ve gone to suicide sites.
I don’t think any of my friends really know how I feel about this. I’ve been faking all my life so I am pretty good at it. It doesn’t make sense to me to call someone when I feel bad. It’d be too embarrassing to me to go and cry on another person plus it may be at some ungodly hour and I don’t want to bother them. I guess I don’t think my life is worth even bothering them. I’ve called my shrink a couple times and it really didn’t help. So, in order to survive….I make comments here, I eat and eat, and I spend lots of time watching TV and sit here on the computer. I have more friends now than I have ever had. But they wouldn’t understand .
I don’t know why they say an attempted suicide is a call for help. I never wanted any attempt to fail. After the same I would hear people telling me I’m selfish. How uplifting is that? Is it because this act interfered with what THEY were doing at that time? I think so.
The 2nd attempt I was taken to the hospital. I guess I was very vocal..this hosptial did not have a psych ward. Not being concerned that I could have died or that I was trying to…my mother said she was embarrassed when on the way to my room…a patient was heard asking what room the nut was in. That attempt did involve rejection by a lover. It wasn’t until my third try that she finally decided I must be depressed. I didn’t tell her it was more rejection plus the depression.
I think the not serious physical abuse and mostly mental and verbal abuse from my parents when I was young…but also as an adult that is partly to blame for my condition. Maybe there is so much stress parts of the brain get tired and slow down and cannot connect as it should.
When I feel the drugs don’t help…the dosage is increased. I think we should be allowed to die if that is how we feel. Why do people force us to stay? Whether it be a mental condition or deadly disease. Guilt? Control? Now I don’t want us to be forced into death like Hitler did…but those who can make a decision…and I think I have made that clear and don’t seem nuts..my head is clear..should be allowed to go if we are so unhappy here. People do not understand the pain we can be in. Both mentally and physically.The self loathing and unworthyness. There should be an easier way for us to go .If I sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself….as I was told by my family…and I don’t right now…who else would?
I am an entertainer and I make people smile. Sometimes it helps…sometimes not. I’m told I should stay because I make people happy. What about my own happiness? But on the other hand…I could try to take steps to help myself…but I don’t want to. I don’t want to wallow in my loneliness…I don’t want to be distracted…I want to make the last decision to BRAVELY not cowardly end my life.
I may take the cowradly way out…but to jump off a bridge…don’t you have to be brave??? I think people say that for themselves…to try to understand. They have to try and figure out why. If they know me…they know I’m depressed. That it’d be a blessing for me. If they wonder why…they did not listen before…or I never told them. But I believe I have been open with my friends about my life and they should understand why I would do this. They may feel guilty…why didn’t she call me…what signs did I miss?.
I’m writing this so maybe some people can understand. Now I know there are some A$$holes out there that are going to say to just do it. Those people are obviously idiots.
Please let me know if this helps anyone out there to maybe understand a little about one person’s condition. Ther A$$holes do not need to comment. I am not suicidal at this time…
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