in-laws-staying_apartIt is very well said and known that marriages are made in  heaven, agreed! But what about in-laws do we can’t have any option of choosing them? Every single dream of a girl is shattered most of the times because of the interference in her married life of her in – laws. The in-laws generally try to exercise a control and influence on their sons, which sometimes make a wife feel as her husband is a stranger. A unknown gap start building between them, which the two may want to remove but fails to do so.

The mother -in- laws behavior sometimes seems very strange and non- understanding which is very well explained in my previous article Mother- in – law toughest to deal with . This situation is more worsen if you are living in joint family, But does staying apart is relief? The answer from a wife would be no.

The in- laws in this condition wants you to call them daily and give an update of daily happenings. But this situation here becomes tricky………..if you call, you have to face criticism for one or other reason and if you don’t you are the worst. Here are few tips that might help you face the situation :

Less Expectation

It is world known fact that in-laws can never be parents, so always keep a distance and don’t keep any expectation as broken expectation will also shatter you.

Be Polite

Be respectful and polite, but it does not mean you should lose your self respect and  dignity. The key to be manipulative, say your views and idea in a polite way.

Call when Required

Excessive calls to in-las will not bring you near to them , but will bring   you  useless criticism on one or the other reason. So make sure you call when required.

Have your own Finances Saved for you

If you are working, maintain your own bank balance. If you are not working try to maintain a saving account for making you self dependent.

Just be your-  self

From your busy schedule of homemaker, take out some time for yourself. Devote some time for your hobby like- dancing, music, painting etc daily just to keep yourself energized and full of life.

Staying on Holidays

Set your priorities in beginning only. Don’t try to be goody-goody. If you are going for few days then stay at your in-laws for some hours may be a day or a two and spend your vacation at your parents house the way you want to be. any women is often heard sayingI sacrificed so much for my in-laws but they don’t appreciate anything and treat me so badly’. If you don’t sacrifice anything, you will be treated better and will have peace of mind.

Ignore as much as possible

You will be often landing up in a situation were you will held responsible for the things you haven;t done or was not your mistake. don;t panic just stay cool and clam, don’t stress yourself , say whatever you want to say in a polite manner. if heard fine, if not – you just don’t brother.

Every woman in life once goes through the in-laws trauma. Would aperricate your experience sharing with us, so as some of our would be daughter – in – laws will get benefited from our experience, and hopefully will be able to understand the situation better. So all of you kindly share your experience and help your sisters!

  • Shellina

    I was reading your web page I agree on everything. I was looking for something that I can read up on about living with the in-laws but found this instead. We have been living with the in-laws since we had our last child. We were only suppose to be living here with them for a few months but a few months turn into over a year. I cannot stand living with them, they are only good when they help us by babysitting the kids and making supper for us when we don’t make supper. But, they love lecturing us when it comes to telling us how to do things, what not to, how to spend our money when we have to pay the bills, what we buy or should not buy, we should not do it this way or do it this way and it goes on and on. Just telling us how and not what to do. There have been times I wish I did not got married. I do feel frustrated, annoyed and depressed. I am tired of hearing of what they say constantly. If they came out and say that they don’t like me then I would be very happy to get out of their lives. Someone told me why don’t I divorce my husband but, that won’t do much for our kids and it might not do much for me. So can you show me a website about how to deal with living with the in-laws, please. I am at my wits end. I don’t know what to do. I do love my husband, but it is just that I can’t stand his parents. Hope you can help me here.

    Thank you!

  • Katie

    Shellina, i don’t think there is a point in divorcing your husband as he is not a culprit here. You need to make sure you follow the steps given above in this article and try those for a week. I am not aware of any site specific to this problem. Let me know if the above tips help you in maintaining nice relations with your in laws.

  • Anita

    The advice is awesome, I just wish I had seen it 18 years ago when I got married. I tried to be the perfect daughter-in-law but I lost my dignity and didn’t get treated any better. Tragedy in my own family made me a different and stronger person and I do all the things listed above, the end result is that they are much nicer to me because I just don’t care about them. I don’t sacrifice anything for them and put my own family and needs first. It might not be the best way but it is the only way to deal with selfish and manipulative people who try to walk all over you.

  • Katie

    Yes Anita i completely agree with you. Sacrificing our lives is what we all daughter- in- laws do but the result is only humiliation and insult. So it is always better to create a distance so that we enjoy a happy married life.

  • Rhakhee

    I understand all that you have written, and agree entirely with all you have posted.  There is alot of truth, but how do you deal with a mother inlaw and 2 single sister inlaws (who are not married and older than I) who won’t let go of their precious little boy.  I don’t want to make my husband choose between me or his family, but it is really hard.  We have to live with his family as we cannot afford to move out on the finances we have.  His mother is constantly getting upset if he doesn’t eat at home and his sisters still treat him like a child.  What do I do??? I am contemplating leaving him for a little bit so that I can get my head cleared.

  • christina

    This might well have been an interesting article – except that the English was sometimes incomprehensible. Perhaps you could in future ask an editor to help?

  • Avani

    HI there, good thread you’ve got going. I read about the mom in law part, most of it makes a lot of sense. I am a daughter in law myself. I must say, it is not always the fault of the mom-in-law, some times we as daughter in laws also make so many mistakes. I personally think, all the conflicts between mom and daughter in laws arise due to 2 reasons. 1. Non acceptance of each other completely, as they are. 2. Not communicating honestly about what they feel. All mothers are possessive of their children. Tell me, how can you just let your baby walk away from you just coz, he got married? how many woman can muster that guts and be that mature about it? will you be able to do all that sacrifice when the time comes?Just ask yourself this question, “will i be like my mom in law later in my life”?… you will see my point. Your mom in law was in your shoes a long time ago and also thought just like you when she had to deal with her mom in law.

    It is a process of accepting, it takes time, nearly 15 years to actually let daughter in laws be daughters and mom in laws to be moms. The huge problem actually has to do with the general conception about the topic mother in law. Girls who are going to get newly married are either scared that they will have to go through what their mom’s went through or someone very close to them went through. This already makes a expectation that she will treat me bad, no matter how good i am.

    First of girls must keep an open mind, to take things easy. They are different people, they have different set of values and different way of looking at things. The problem arises when they start telling you how to behave and what to do, right? So you just say yes and do what is that you want to do, do not get worked up. If they single you out and start accusing for not complying, explain why? only once and walk away.. they may do it maximum 5 times, they will certainly see your point. Just think they have to learn a lot about you. It is up to you to accept or reject them. Instead of rejecting them and feeling abandoned all the time, accept them and slowly introduce them to your ways, they may resist at first, they will certainly see your point sometime and vice versa.

    If your mom in law wants control over your husband, let her have it. If she the vampish kind who accuses your parents, tortures you for dowry and fills you husband’s ears with poison against you, then please let her have a piece of your mind from time to time. Best is you take your husband and move out. This would be the extreme case. In general, all mom in laws are not very bad, they are possessive, if they want a access to their son, you just let them have it. It may be tough in the beginning, but after a few months or years, she will appreciate you for the kindness. she will let you have control over the whole house hold. Your husband is not going anywhere, he will certainly be grateful to you all his life for letting him be close with his parents. Think about it.

  • Very well said Avani, i think if you let mother-in-law have access to their son there won’t be conflicts.